Second Journey. First try. Failed transfer.

Never in my life did I imagine I’d be here. Imagine being that naïve—believing that because my first transfer took on the first try, every journey would go the same way.

I say that out loud, and I feel a pang of shame. Shame in my body. Shame in my assumptions. Shame that I really thought I’d be one of the "lucky ones" again.

Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe.Would I respond the same way if a surrogate came to me saying this? Absolutely not.

In fact, I have supported surrogates through failed transfers. I know exactly what I would say to them. But now, hearing those same words from others directed at me? I want to tell them to stop. To just let me feel.

I know it’s not my fault.I know I did everything I could.I know this happens, and I knew it could.

But knowing those things doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I find myself sitting here wondering—was I really any support to the surrogates who experienced this before me? Could I truly understand what they were feeling if I hadn’t walked through it myself?

Right now, all I want to do is sit in my pity party. And that’s okay.

I’m letting myself feel it—grieve it—for as long as I need. Because the truth is, failed transfers can be deeply emotional. For some surrogates, it’s overwhelming. There can be guilt, sadness, frustration, anger. Others may feel at peace and ready to try again with little emotional impact. And then, some of us feel it all—hopeful one minute, heartbroken the next.

There’s no "right way" to feel after a failed transfer. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are.

That’s the key: allowing yourself the time and space to feel without judgment. That’s part of the journey too. Just like the phrase we say so often in the surrogacy world—“trust the process.” We say it in so many situations, and for so many reasons. But when the process doesn’t go how we hoped, trusting it can be painful.

Still, I choose to trust.

After taking the time I needed to sit with my grief, something shifted. Slowly, I’ve begun to move forward. And the universe—she has her way of working things out. I don’t always understand the "why," but I trust that things will unfold as they’re meant to.

To anyone who’s experienced a failed transfer—whether it’s your first or your fifth—you are not alone. Give yourself grace, time, and space. Your feelings matter. Your journey matters.

And this is just one part of it.